Monday, November 4, 2013

Pregnancy: Keeping It Real

This is definitely new territory for me so I'm going to try and keep this short.  For those of you who don't know me personally, my husband and I tried for almost half a year before we actually got pregnant.  While that doesn't seem like a long time now, looking back it was torturous.  I was worried that maybe I was too old (stupid I know, I was 28), that I couldn't have children, or that maybe Kevin couldn't either.  I was obsessed with conceiving and thought that once I got that positive pregnancy test that all my troubles would disappear.  Boy was I wrong.

My first pregnancy picture!

Almost immediately I started feeling... Different.  Not only was I dealing with the normal pregnancy side effects (thank God I really didn't have much of any) but I was also dealing with a loss of identity.  Like I was no longer myself.  Granted, we were going through a lot of change at one time.  The same week the pregnancy was confirmed we also closed escrow on our house.  So moving our life to another city was also on the horizon.  But regardless of the outside distractions, I was feeling quite depressed on the inside.

Most of my issues were actually quite selfish.  I was worried about becoming overweight.  I still wanted to be appealing to my husband.  I didn't want to buy bigger clothes!  I almost hated it when people would say how big I was getting.  I didn't want to be big.  I wanted to stay the same but have a beautiful healthy baby.  It wasn't realistic and my outlook wasn't helping my situation.

Eventually, I got over most of it.  I always relied on my parent's wonderful genes to let me eat like a piggy and maintain a size four.  While I continued to eat like a piggy, I did go up a size.  But I didn't completely freak out like I had thought.  Are there still days where I feel fat and unattractive?  Of course, but my mature side (no matter how small that is) kicks in and reminds me that I'm feeding a growing healthy baby girl.  I still have days where I feel insecure about my body but luckily I have a wonderful husband who reminds me that I'm kind of crazy for even thinking that.  And let me tell you, there are plenty of days where I wish I could put on that horse printed dress but I know that time will come again.  By then I'll be a new mom and I'll probably need to wear a pretty dress more than ever!

Pregnancy is an amazing experience and I wouldn't have had it any other way.  I actually feel quite lucky to have such an easy and mostly symptom free 32 weeks so far.  I do realize that being pregnant has forced me to become a more mature and understanding person.  As a complete control freak, I now see that I can't have everything my way and I've learned to adapt to my new surroundings.  I just never thought I'd be getting a lesson on life in the process!


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