Monday, November 4, 2013

Pregnancy: Keeping It Real

This is definitely new territory for me so I'm going to try and keep this short.  For those of you who don't know me personally, my husband and I tried for almost half a year before we actually got pregnant.  While that doesn't seem like a long time now, looking back it was torturous.  I was worried that maybe I was too old (stupid I know, I was 28), that I couldn't have children, or that maybe Kevin couldn't either.  I was obsessed with conceiving and thought that once I got that positive pregnancy test that all my troubles would disappear.  Boy was I wrong.

My first pregnancy picture!
baby2

Almost immediately I started feeling... Different.  Not only was I dealing with the normal pregnancy side effects (thank God I really didn't have much of any) but I was also dealing with a loss of identity.  Like I was no longer myself.  Granted, we were going through a lot of change at one time.  The same week the pregnancy was confirmed we also closed escrow on our house.  So moving our life to another city was also on the horizon.  But regardless of the outside distractions, I was feeling quite depressed on the inside.

Most of my issues were actually quite selfish.  I was worried about becoming overweight.  I still wanted to be appealing to my husband.  I didn't want to buy bigger clothes!  I almost hated it when people would say how big I was getting.  I didn't want to be big.  I wanted to stay the same but have a beautiful healthy baby.  It wasn't realistic and my outlook wasn't helping my situation.

Eventually, I got over most of it.  I always relied on my parent's wonderful genes to let me eat like a piggy and maintain a size four.  While I continued to eat like a piggy, I did go up a size.  But I didn't completely freak out like I had thought.  Are there still days where I feel fat and unattractive?  Of course, but my mature side (no matter how small that is) kicks in and reminds me that I'm feeding a growing healthy baby girl.  I still have days where I feel insecure about my body but luckily I have a wonderful husband who reminds me that I'm kind of crazy for even thinking that.  And let me tell you, there are plenty of days where I wish I could put on that horse printed dress but I know that time will come again.  By then I'll be a new mom and I'll probably need to wear a pretty dress more than ever!

Pregnancy is an amazing experience and I wouldn't have had it any other way.  I actually feel quite lucky to have such an easy and mostly symptom free 32 weeks so far.  I do realize that being pregnant has forced me to become a more mature and understanding person.  As a complete control freak, I now see that I can't have everything my way and I've learned to adapt to my new surroundings.  I just never thought I'd be getting a lesson on life in the process!

xoxo

Ashley

21 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing this.

    I have to say that personally for these reasons and more I chose not to have children. I thought I would lose myself.

    Glad to hear you dealing with it and all the symptoms that go along with being pregnant.

    Soon it'll be over and you'll quickly forget everything and just look at your baby girl.

    bisous
    Suzanne

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  2. Wow. This is an incredibly honest and open piece.

    I think (in the blogging sphere anyway) quite often the only side of things one see's about pregnancy is how magical and wonderful it is, so this is a very multifaceted write-up in comparison. Some of the topics we've seen you mention a bit here and there, but you seem to have indeed then grown because from the slice of your life we see on the blog, you have handled these challenges well. Thank you sharing.

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  3. this is great food for thought. you look gorgeous and thank you for sharing

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  4. Great post, I love how honest you are here, it's super important to share things like this.
    As another person who is a bit of a control freak I have to tell you change is hard, it's harder for me than it is for other people. I can imagine moving your home and having changes in your body would turn your world upside down! And changes in your body makes everyone feel insecure, we all worry about weight gain and loss because physical change makes the way in which we see ourselves a bit different. I can somewhat relate in that when I was having surgeries I went from 130 to 112 lbs and then up to 140lbs all within 14 months, it wrecked havoc on my body and my self esteem to look so sickly and then try to get healthy to just gain weight imporoperly after that.
    I have to say you are handling the pregnancy beautifully, you look gorgeous and are so open about the changes you're going through :)
    xJennaD

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  5. I relate to this so much! I went through many of those same feelings when I first became pregnant and for the first few months too. I'm in a great place now as we're getting to the end, but I totally get those early feelings! I'm glad you're getting to a better place too! And you're not too much further behind me!

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  6. Probably everybody's ideal would be to get a healthy baby without any negative physical side effects on yourself, but I think we all eventually find out it definitely doesn't work that way! You've gone through a lot and I'm glad that you're coming to a place of contentment with it all. And by the way, you're gorgeous!

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  7. Great post, it's nice to understand how you feel your pregnancy, but I think live without a children is nearly a waste of time cause it's like a rebirth, a new chance to see life start again in front of u, it's a real luck in life, and by this time so rude it's magic Keep enjoying every sec !! You're just wonderful M-C

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  8. Really interesting to read this, thanks for sharing :)
    Rosie x | Every Word Handwritten

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  9. I think it's wonderful that you are being open about this. Though I think you've hinted at it and I'm glad you are coming to terms with it. You are wonderful and beautiful and a little weight gain/body/life change isn't going to alter all of that for you. You've always been into healthy eating/living and once she's here you'll be able to be fit and back to normal. I couldn't imagine growing and changing in the ways that you are, but from all the mothers I know, having at least one serious issue with something is totally normal. I think it would be more weird if you were feeling nothing, you know? I think you look wonderful (pregnant and otherwise) and I hope your insecurities don't keep you from blogging or being happy with yourself. You are almost at the home stretch and it's only going to get more interesting from here on out. I really hope by writing this that you are feeling better!

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  10. I'm still too young to want to have kids at all, but the concept of pregnancy seems really scary to me. I really admire the courage of you and mothers everywhere!

    Rachel

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  11. It's really amazing how much pregnancy can change someone's perspective. Although I haven't gotten to this life stage yet, a few close friends and family members of mine have and it's interesting to hear how different each experience is. I can't tell you how much I admire your honesty and openness to sharing your journey with us.

    You're so close to the finish line! Just think of all the amazing things that will happen after your little one's born! So many other experiences and changes to come-- you will be great! :D

    Also, I know I say this all the time, but you are seriously GORGEOUS inside and out. Baby weight or not, you are stunning! Don't ever forget that :)

    xo,
    katrina
    thedemuremuse.com

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  12. Love your story and girl til this day at 27 weeks pregnant i feel like I still have't found myself and feel like you felt about gaining weight. I gained it so fast and it took so much for me to actually loose all the weight I did the year before i got pregnant. it's been a difficult emotional journey for me but with the best fiance ever my daughter and family they really have made me feel amazing special and really really loved. I sometimes look at your pictures and feel jealous cause i feel like I've gained so much weight and you're just so tiny. you look amazing and thank God for a sickless pregnancy I'm the same way keep going strong you dont have much to go I can't wait to see her little face she's gonna be adorable!!

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  13. I think it's so awesome you shared this with us,especially since you usually see all the happy and shiny moments on blogs and not so much the more iffy, wobbly ones. Weight for ladies is always going to be a touchy subject, and I always kind of wondered how I'd deal with it when I would be prego. It's never fun seeing your body change, but I'm sure it's much more different knowing that it's changing because of your baby. Either way, you've been looking gorgeous all these months and have barely changed :D

    xo marlen
    Messages on a Napkin

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  14. Oh, Ashley! You are so strong and introspective. I loved reading what you've learned from your pregnancy. It's intrinsically human to have desires for yourself, but it's clear that pregnancy forces you to be more selfless. From reading this, I know you'll be a wonderful mother!

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  15. While I've never been pregnant, I will say that it will be worth all of the grief and stress. I can't wait to hear about your tears of joy when you're holding your daughter. :) Good luck on this last stretch, lady.

    xo Ashley

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  16. I have certainly learned a lot from you and I am pleased there have been so many positive parts to the experience. Althouhg I haven't been in your situation, a lot of your concerns are what I worry about for the future so it is really helpful to have your perspective.

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  17. Thank you so much for this heartfelt post! As someone who hopes to be pregnant someday, it's nice to read a different perspective than "omg pregnancy is so wonderful and magical!" So thanks for keeping it real :)

    PS I think you look fabulous right now, but even more importantly, I know that you are going to be an amazing mother!

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  18. I think this is a really refreshing and honest post, Ashley. You are such a beautiful lady, and I know it's hard not to equate size with body image satisfaction (but if you're a size 6 when you're pregnant, I'm super envious, seeing as I am like, never a size six! hah). But you're doing the absolute most selfless act one can do -- you're bringing another human being into this world, and you rationally know that you're doing all of the things you should so that she can be healthy and happy. I'm super impatient with body stuff, so I can only imagine how you must feel at times -- you just want to be back to your normal self! And you will get there before you know it. It's hard to let go of the person you are for even just a little while. You'll find it again <3

    xox Sammi
    www.thesoubrettebrunette.blogspot.com

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  19. Thank you for being so candid! I think you are so gorgeous and have been so amazing inside and out throughout all of this. I love how honest you are.

    Kate from Clear the Way

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  20. Darling, I love how real your writing is in this post. It's totally understandable that you felt a loss of control when your body started getting bigger-- we've all been there, even if we haven't been pregnant! Unfortunately us women grow up in a society where we are taught to value our appearances more than anything else, and we often obsess about our weight and sizes when we really have nothing to worry about. I'm glad that your husband is able to talk to you and make you feel beautiful, and that you can't wait to be a mommy!

    Xo, Hannah

    sweetsweetnoir.net

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  21. I'm also 28 and just started trying to have a babay with my hubby. I have the same fears and it's good to know that while these first few months have seemed like an eternity, it's good to know there's hope and that once it finally happens it will be totally worth that wait. You are gorgeous and I can't wait to read more from you! Xo Lori

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